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You think a little too highly of yourself and think that you deserve to jerk off, don't you? I don't think so! You are no longer allowed to get off with your hand. You're going to get off in a most humiliating fashion: you're going to be humping the couch. You can hump the side, the back, the arms, or even the fancy throw pillows, but you don't get to hump in the privacy of your bedroom anymore. You need to realize what a slut you really are, so you're going to pump those hips just like I tell you! With lots of laughing and jerk encouragement, you shouldn't last long. We both know your cock doesn't remember what a pussy feels like anyway!
